Somewhere In The Middle

Somewhere between the hot and the cold,

Somewhere between the new and the old,

Somewhere between who I am, and who I used to be,

Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me.

These lyrics are from a song from my favorite band, Casting Crowns, basically sum up my life. I am somewhere in the middle of my weight loss journey. Yes I have acknowledged that I will be on a lifelong path of fitness and eating right. I mean that I am in the middle of where I want to be as far as a goal weight and a fitness level. As you know, being in the middle is not always the most fun place to be. For example, sitting in the middle seat on an airplane or being the middle child I hear, is not always very fun. So I felt that instead of whining about being somewhere in the middle, I would have look back to where I was, to the present where I am now, and forward to where (by God's grace) I am going on my path.

Where I used to be is a place I'd like to forget. I am 5 foot 5 and weighed 450 pounds. However, I need to remember the chains that once held me as an encouragement to keep moving ahead. I used to be in a place where I ate a candy bar every night before I went to bed (usually king size). I never counted calories or even gave them a second thought. I would think nothing of having three or four refills of a Coke at a restaurant as well as eating six donuts or six slices of pizza at one sitting. I'm sure I was consuming around 3000+ calories a day. I never worked out or even broke a sweat. In fact, I couldn't even take more than six to ten steps without being out of breath or in pain. If there was anything on television or in a book about exercise or losing weight, I would immediately switch it. When anyone talked about being fit and exercising, I would try to change the subject as quickly as I could. This is just a thumbnail of where I used to be; not a pretty picture I can assure you.

Today I work out six days a week for 1 to 2 hours a day. I wish I could tell you that I love working out, but I really only love when it's over. I love how it makes me feel, when I accomplish things. I truly do not like working out, but I get up every morning at 4:30 and I go. I get blisters now, sore muscles, and I sweat - which is all really new to me. I even have short-term and long-term fitness goals. I now count every calorie I eat (I even have a digital food scale to make sure), and I haven't had a candy bar in over 16 months. Okay, I do still splurge and eat a small piece of cake at birthday parties - you've got to be reasonable, right? I shop at places like Whole Foods and eat whole-wheat everything. Boy have times changed. I now read, watch, and listen to anything that has to do with fitness and wellness and am currently watching four seasons of "The Biggest Loser" at one time, counting the days until September 15 for the new season! This was the first year I ever watched "The Biggest Loser" and now I am trying to catch up and glean all the information I can from the past seasons (my secret dream is to have Bob be my friend and personal trainer). I get fitness newletters and read fitness blogs and have read six books about fitness and nutrition. Anytime there is something on TV related to health, fitness, and weight loss, I get excited and hang on every word. I no longer drink Coke's, which is really really sad, but rather, green tea (which tastes like dirt but it's healthy and helps with your metabolism so I do it).

So, where am I going to be? Notice I said, "where I'm going to be?" This is because with God's help, and some huge goals that I want to achieve, I will reach my target weight (which I am not currently sharing with anyone except my husband). I plan to mark that occasion by getting a tattoo. For those of you who don't know me, this is probably the most unlikely thing that I would ever do, but I want to mark the day I reach one of the biggest goals of my life. This is also a way to commit myself to never go back. A couple of big goals on my way to my target weight is to ride in a 50 mile bike ride, and in a year, I want to join karate with my family. I also hope to find a way to encourage people who are on the same path I am on.

So here I am, somewhere in the middle, but I'm not stuck. I'm moving forward. And yes, there are days that are very discouraging. A few weeks ago I commented to my aerobics teacher and fittness mentor, Sensei Richard, that I was kind of sick of being in the middle of this and he said to me, very honestly and truthfully, that it didn't take me overnight to get in this condition, and it is not going to take me overnight to get out of it. A kind of mean, but truthful statement - something I really needed to hear.

The last verse of this song is exactly what God wants us to know about Him during times like these in our lives:

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side,

Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle.

Stay the Path

Motivation + Action = Momentum

"Motivation is the internal condition that activates behavior and gives it direction, energizes, and directs goal-oriented behavior." Wow, what a definition. As I walk on my path, I feel like I am in a constant search for motivation. I was shocked when I read this definition. I never realized that motivation is an internal condition. For many years, I had motivation from external sources such as fear, what other people thought of me, what I think God thinks about me, what I think about myself, and what God really thinks about me. But since I started walking this path, I am beginning to realize that motivation comes from within. Let me tell you that it is a really scary realization. And you know I've had a few of those scary realizations. First, it's no cosmic joke that I am overweight; it was a choice that I made to be overweight and unhealthy. I can't blame anyone for my emotional eating. I put the food in my mouth; I made the choice.

Now, I find out that within, I have the capability to motivate myself to stay on the path (of course with God's help, that goes without saying). I am solely responsible to make and direct my goals to accomplish what God has set before me. Sometimes I feel like I'm the, Little Engine That Could - I think I can, I think I can, and now I know I can. I cannot tell you how that feels to accomplish a goal that you set for yourself. If you've been reading my other posts or following me on Facebook you know I have been on a journey to ride a bike, both in and out of the gym. The first time was a complete and utter failure, so much so that I wrote a blog about it. Well I knew I wanted to ride a bike and that was my big fat hairy goal but I knew I needed to break it down into small bite-size, manageable, measurable goals. That's what I did. My first goal was to ride the bike for 10 minutes and when I met that goal I moved it to 30 minutes. Yes, believe it or not I rode for 30 minutes and after that I set it for 45 minutes. During this time, God really blessed me with the opportunity to buy a recumbent bike to ride outside which is my ultimate fitness goal. So now, I have two different goals going - one to ride the bike inside the gym and the other to learn to ride a bike outside. Then, just last week I had a goal to ride the bike for an hour at the gym. To tell you the truth, I really didn't believe that I could accomplish this one, but I tried and 61 minutes later I went 15 ½ miles. Now, that was probably one of the greatest accomplishments I have had on my path.

Now, before me is the goal to learn to ride my bike outside. A good friend has challenged me to ride my bike 10 miles outside, and she will run the 10 miles. It is a funny thing that I can actually say that I am motivated to reach that goal. But what is the point of this blog? It is to share with you that you have everything you need inside of you to be motivated to start or continue on your path. All you really need to do is step up and start moving forward. You might say that motivation + action = momentum. So get up, get motivated, and stay the path.

Grab Your Spandex & Meet Me on the Path

My husband and I are switching gyms. Joining a gym can be one of the most stressful experiences on your path to fitness. When I joined my first gym, I was so scared to be at a gym with skinny spandex people who I thought would be filled with judgement and disgust at me. On the first day, I was so relieved to see, "my kind" there. You might ask what is "my kind"? Well what I like to call us is, nice, round rollie-pollie people - so much nicer than the word "fat" don't you think? Well, I learned quickly that the round rollie-pollie people are glad you are at the gym but they don't want to be seen talking to you or interacting. They give you the look which says, "keep strong, don't stop working out, glad you are here, but don't let the skinny spandex people see us together." I have met some very nice skinny spandex people who have been quite encouraging, and I have to give props to the skinny spandex people. Before I started on my path to fitness I thought you were either a skinny spandex person or a nice rollie-pollie person. You might say it's just the luck of the draw. But now I know that it's up to each of us and the choices we make each day that determines which category we will fall. So you could say I am on my way from rollie-pollie to skinny spandex and am hopeful I will make the right choices along the way. So grab some spandex and meet me on the path.

Hop On A Bike And Stay The Path

They say there is joy in the journey and that it is this journey and not the destination that matters. But I'm here to say that sometimesthe journey stinks. Sometimes it is a struggle just to get up and keep moving on the path. I have had a couple of difficult weeks finding motivation and frankly, just being happy about my diet and my road to fitness. This is the first time that I am actually pushing myself outside my comfort zone and often times when you push yourself, you get some bumps and bruises along the way. A few weeks ago I went to work out before church on a Sunday morning. On that morning, it was the first time I tried to ride a stationary bike. I know for many of you, riding a stationary bike is not a big deal. But for me it is totally out of my comfort zone. My husband was trying to help me and when I started riding I cannot tell you how painful it was because of an old leg injury. Riding a bike is one of my long term fitness goals. To be able to ride outside with my family. When I tried to ride it that Sunday morning, I failed miserably felt totally discouraged. I felt like I hit a wall and couldn't believe that I didn't even try. I was truly devastated and all I wanted to do was go home and go to bed and pull the covers over my head. But my husband and family didn't allow that and made me go to church. You know how when you get in that place where you feel sorry for yourself you just want to stay and wallow in it for a while?

I didn't want anyone to lift me up. But of course God had another idea. Our worship leader introduced a new song that day that spoke to me right in the middle of my pity party and I had no option other than to get up dust myself off and move forward. The song was called "Found" - a new song by an artist named Aaron Ivey (aaronivey.com) and from the first line, I knew God had some very important things to say to me through this song. The first line says, "Jesus, the healer of brokenness," and on that Sunday morning I cannot tell you how broken I felt both physically, emotionally and spiritually. Then the song goes on to say that Jesus is the "fixer of troubled souls" and by the time we got to the chorus of the song my eyes were filled with tears and my heart was looking up. I realized that God was telling me that God was my resting place and that God has taken my brokenness and made me whole again, and that my life is found in him.

I can literally write every line in the song and tell you how it reached in and touched me. You need to buy it for yourself from iTunes - it will be the best $0.99 you ever spend. Again, the title is "Found" by Aaron Ivey from the album, "Between the Beauty & Chaos." I realized that the only option for me was to get back on my path and move forward and that's what I've done. I got back up on the bike and am now able to ride it for 10 minutes. But those 10 minutes are huge for me and I now have the short-term goal of riding for 30 minutes. Then comes the long-term goal of being able to ride a bike outside with my family. Dont ever stay down. Get up, hop on a bike, and stay the path.

Keep Dancing

Since I started this journey, I have looked for motivation from many sources: songs, quotes, life stories, almost anything. But last Saturday night I had the incredible blessing to find motivation and encouragement from my own daughter Maggie. It hit me last Saturday night during her dance recital, that this wonderful young lady has stayed on the path most of her life through many bumps and cut-arounds to accomplish great things.

Maggie was born with some problems. She was developmentally delayed and had severe sensory integration problems. But from a young age she always wanted to dance and God had brought a wonderful instrument into her life - her dance teacher, Miss Stacy. She always believed in her. It seemed at first like Maggie would always have an asterisk by her name. In case you don't know what I mean, that's when someone sets a record but there's some special circumstances so they put an asterisk by their name. She threw her heart into dancing which had so many boundaries due to her problems. It was like she was always going to be a good dancer but would be confined by her physical problems.

But I can tell you that Saturday night during her ballet solo, she blew up the asterisk. She danced technically the best she has ever done, but it was her heart as a dancer and her love for the God she was honoring with the song she danced to ("Talk to Jesus" by Kathy Tricolli) that burst through bringing her dance teacher (and many in the audience) to tears.

I realized that she has always had the determination of a pit bull and she stayed on the path and will continue on the path to accomplish many wonderful things. So my daughter taught me a lesson - that I need to continue on the path just like she does and sometimes that path is a long difficult trip but it is lightened up if we just dance.

The Life of a Samurai Is Not Easy

Saturday night my husband and I had a date night. We went to watch a UFC fight (this is full contact cage fighting for the uninformed). I know you might be thinking that is a unique and unusual date night. Ever since my husband has started karate he has gotten into mixed martial arts (watching, but not competing). So being the wonderful wife that I am I have watched a few things with him. And the way I become a fan of anyone who participates in professional sports is to become personally invested - not a team - but an individual. For example, I was a huge Joe Montana fan because he played at Notre Dame my favorite college when I was growing up. So there are a few fighters who I have become personally invested in. One of them is deaf and another one has the greatest nickname ever, "The Dean of Mean" Keith Jardine. So now let me get to the point. My husband's favorite fighter also has a cool nickname Lyoto "The Dragon" Machida. He is a karate black belt and since all my family are on a path to earn their black belts, it makes sense that he is my husband's favorite. Before we went out to watch the fight, my husband was watching a show where they were interviewing the Dragon. He said something that I found fascinating. He said that he had been training for 15 years (he is now 30) for a chance to win the world championship belt. Every morning he had to make the decision to get up out of bed and train or not, and he ended his interview with saying, "the life of a samurai was not easy".

Being a person who never really had any goals or ever dreamt of accomplishing anything great in her life before the last year, I found much encouragement realizing that the Dragon had the same decision that I make every morning - to get up and work out or not. A more important and eternal decision that I must make daily, however, is to walk the path that God has set before me each and every day. I have learned you don't just set out to accomplish great things unless you daily make that decision to get up and move forward towards accomplishing your greater goal, one tiny step at a time. And remember the life of the samurai is not easy or everyone would be one.

Stay on the path another day.

Perfect People

Well, this is my first official post. I got up and worked out this morning, walking on the treadmill and pushing myself past limits I never thought I would accomplish. A few months back I was totally blocked at the speed of 2.0 on the treadmill and there was no way I could ever go faster than 2.0. After all, I started out a 1.2 and was winded and quite miserable, so there was no way I would ever surpass the dreaded 2.0 milestone. And here I am just weeks later walking at 2.9 which is really fast for me. I also started walking with the elevation of a 2.0 which is also really hard for me but I realize that I must keep moving forward and keep increasing speed and elevation. I don't really like to push myself which is partly the reason I am in the condition which I am in. But as in my new life as a warrior I have learned to push myself past what I feel I could ever accomplish on my own, knowing that God is always there to help me accomplish the path which He has set me on. I just thank God every day for the invention of the iPod. I don't know how I could ever exercise without music playing in my ears. God has used so many songs to inspire me and spur me on and convict me and just make me break down and cry.

Today was no different. There is a song by Natalie Grant called perfect people. I must admit I spend a great deal of my time in my wonderful new life worrying about going backwards. What if I quit exercising? What if I gain all my weight back? What if, what if, what if? It can really choke out my joy. In this song God really spoke to me today so I thought I would share it with you (I hope Natalie Grant doesn't mind):

There's no such thing as perfect people.

There no such thing as a perfect life,
So come as you are, broken and scarred
Lift up your heart and be amazed, and be changed
By a perfect God

Suddenly it's like a weight is lifted
When you hear the words that you are loved
He knows where you are and were you've been
And you never have to go there again

That pretty much sums it up. I know I am broken and scarred but I have been changed by a perfect God and he knows where I've been and I don't ever have to go there again. So I will hold onto this promise today as I stay on the path.

I've told many people I feel like I'm in the middle of the ocean. I can't go sideways or backwards I must keep moving forward like a shark. If I don't keep my forward motion I will stop functioning altogether. But I know God is always there leading me forward. So stay on the path another day.