Somewhere In The Middle

Somewhere between the hot and the cold,

Somewhere between the new and the old,

Somewhere between who I am, and who I used to be,

Somewhere in the middle, You'll find me.

These lyrics are from a song from my favorite band, Casting Crowns, basically sum up my life. I am somewhere in the middle of my weight loss journey. Yes I have acknowledged that I will be on a lifelong path of fitness and eating right. I mean that I am in the middle of where I want to be as far as a goal weight and a fitness level. As you know, being in the middle is not always the most fun place to be. For example, sitting in the middle seat on an airplane or being the middle child I hear, is not always very fun. So I felt that instead of whining about being somewhere in the middle, I would have look back to where I was, to the present where I am now, and forward to where (by God's grace) I am going on my path.

Where I used to be is a place I'd like to forget. I am 5 foot 5 and weighed 450 pounds. However, I need to remember the chains that once held me as an encouragement to keep moving ahead. I used to be in a place where I ate a candy bar every night before I went to bed (usually king size). I never counted calories or even gave them a second thought. I would think nothing of having three or four refills of a Coke at a restaurant as well as eating six donuts or six slices of pizza at one sitting. I'm sure I was consuming around 3000+ calories a day. I never worked out or even broke a sweat. In fact, I couldn't even take more than six to ten steps without being out of breath or in pain. If there was anything on television or in a book about exercise or losing weight, I would immediately switch it. When anyone talked about being fit and exercising, I would try to change the subject as quickly as I could. This is just a thumbnail of where I used to be; not a pretty picture I can assure you.

Today I work out six days a week for 1 to 2 hours a day. I wish I could tell you that I love working out, but I really only love when it's over. I love how it makes me feel, when I accomplish things. I truly do not like working out, but I get up every morning at 4:30 and I go. I get blisters now, sore muscles, and I sweat - which is all really new to me. I even have short-term and long-term fitness goals. I now count every calorie I eat (I even have a digital food scale to make sure), and I haven't had a candy bar in over 16 months. Okay, I do still splurge and eat a small piece of cake at birthday parties - you've got to be reasonable, right? I shop at places like Whole Foods and eat whole-wheat everything. Boy have times changed. I now read, watch, and listen to anything that has to do with fitness and wellness and am currently watching four seasons of "The Biggest Loser" at one time, counting the days until September 15 for the new season! This was the first year I ever watched "The Biggest Loser" and now I am trying to catch up and glean all the information I can from the past seasons (my secret dream is to have Bob be my friend and personal trainer). I get fitness newletters and read fitness blogs and have read six books about fitness and nutrition. Anytime there is something on TV related to health, fitness, and weight loss, I get excited and hang on every word. I no longer drink Coke's, which is really really sad, but rather, green tea (which tastes like dirt but it's healthy and helps with your metabolism so I do it).

So, where am I going to be? Notice I said, "where I'm going to be?" This is because with God's help, and some huge goals that I want to achieve, I will reach my target weight (which I am not currently sharing with anyone except my husband). I plan to mark that occasion by getting a tattoo. For those of you who don't know me, this is probably the most unlikely thing that I would ever do, but I want to mark the day I reach one of the biggest goals of my life. This is also a way to commit myself to never go back. A couple of big goals on my way to my target weight is to ride in a 50 mile bike ride, and in a year, I want to join karate with my family. I also hope to find a way to encourage people who are on the same path I am on.

So here I am, somewhere in the middle, but I'm not stuck. I'm moving forward. And yes, there are days that are very discouraging. A few weeks ago I commented to my aerobics teacher and fittness mentor, Sensei Richard, that I was kind of sick of being in the middle of this and he said to me, very honestly and truthfully, that it didn't take me overnight to get in this condition, and it is not going to take me overnight to get out of it. A kind of mean, but truthful statement - something I really needed to hear.

The last verse of this song is exactly what God wants us to know about Him during times like these in our lives:

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You're by my side,

Loving me even on these nights when I'm caught in the middle.

Stay the Path

Motivation + Action = Momentum

"Motivation is the internal condition that activates behavior and gives it direction, energizes, and directs goal-oriented behavior." Wow, what a definition. As I walk on my path, I feel like I am in a constant search for motivation. I was shocked when I read this definition. I never realized that motivation is an internal condition. For many years, I had motivation from external sources such as fear, what other people thought of me, what I think God thinks about me, what I think about myself, and what God really thinks about me. But since I started walking this path, I am beginning to realize that motivation comes from within. Let me tell you that it is a really scary realization. And you know I've had a few of those scary realizations. First, it's no cosmic joke that I am overweight; it was a choice that I made to be overweight and unhealthy. I can't blame anyone for my emotional eating. I put the food in my mouth; I made the choice.

Now, I find out that within, I have the capability to motivate myself to stay on the path (of course with God's help, that goes without saying). I am solely responsible to make and direct my goals to accomplish what God has set before me. Sometimes I feel like I'm the, Little Engine That Could - I think I can, I think I can, and now I know I can. I cannot tell you how that feels to accomplish a goal that you set for yourself. If you've been reading my other posts or following me on Facebook you know I have been on a journey to ride a bike, both in and out of the gym. The first time was a complete and utter failure, so much so that I wrote a blog about it. Well I knew I wanted to ride a bike and that was my big fat hairy goal but I knew I needed to break it down into small bite-size, manageable, measurable goals. That's what I did. My first goal was to ride the bike for 10 minutes and when I met that goal I moved it to 30 minutes. Yes, believe it or not I rode for 30 minutes and after that I set it for 45 minutes. During this time, God really blessed me with the opportunity to buy a recumbent bike to ride outside which is my ultimate fitness goal. So now, I have two different goals going - one to ride the bike inside the gym and the other to learn to ride a bike outside. Then, just last week I had a goal to ride the bike for an hour at the gym. To tell you the truth, I really didn't believe that I could accomplish this one, but I tried and 61 minutes later I went 15 ½ miles. Now, that was probably one of the greatest accomplishments I have had on my path.

Now, before me is the goal to learn to ride my bike outside. A good friend has challenged me to ride my bike 10 miles outside, and she will run the 10 miles. It is a funny thing that I can actually say that I am motivated to reach that goal. But what is the point of this blog? It is to share with you that you have everything you need inside of you to be motivated to start or continue on your path. All you really need to do is step up and start moving forward. You might say that motivation + action = momentum. So get up, get motivated, and stay the path.